It has not been a good week.
Especially for my pinky toes. Wait, let me explain.
So far this week, I have been attacked by the lawnmower, my shoes, and a cardboard box. Oh, and one musnt forget the cat's butt! OH MY GOD YES I JUST SAID THE CAT'S BUTT!!!!
Like I said. Bad week. Very, very bad week.
Let's start at the beginning, shall we? I was mowing the wheat field...uh, I mean lawn and just mowing along, minding my own damn business, when suddenly, out of NOWHERE something thwacked me in the THROAT! I have NO idea what. I was too stunned to go looking for whatever evil, vile chunk of whatEVER.
So now I have, what appears to be a botched trachiatomy gash and it is too damn hot for a turtleneck.
On to the toes. Yes. BOTH of them. Both of the poor little piggies that went Wee Wee Wee, All the way home. It all started inocently enough with a pair of, what I mistakenly thought at the time, shoes. When you first put them on, you can't believe how comfy they are. After 5 hours of being comfy, the evil shoes get tired of that and decide that they will now grow spikes and torture my poor littlest piggies! They are now twice the size they're supposed to be! I used to have cute teeny tiny little pinky toes. Oh no. Not anymore. These are the biggest blisters I have EVER SEEN! And they will not pop. I am incappable of popping blisters. I can't. NO. I just CAN'T! Ew! It's just so gross. And they're squishy! And OH MY GOD MY TOES ARE GOING TO FALL OFF!!!
pout, whimper, sigh.
But this is not the end of the harrowing piggy tail. (tee hee...get it...I said "tail" instead of "tale"...this so amuses me!)
This morning, after That Involving the Cat's BUTT That We Shall Not Talk About Yet...I walked past a cardboard box and long story short I NOW HAVE A PAPER CUT ON MY BLISTER!!! What?! That can happen?! Nooooo! And it wasn't deep enough to umm...ew....pop.....blech....the blister!! So, now, I have the pain....the PAIN....of these giant blisters and on top of that, on the left pinky toe, I also have a paper cut!
Pardon my French, but....shit! (Dear Mom, I didn't just say that. I NEVER say that. That's a BAD word and your lovely little daughter who is perfect and pretty and oh-so-sweet would NEVER say anything other than lovely things about kitties and butterflies and chocolate cake.)
Bad to the Cat Butt thing.....
After not getting to sleep until around 4 dispite having GONE to bed at 1, I was hoping to sleep a little bit later than usual. And I hoped that Miss Kitty would let me sleep and not lick my eyelid like she usually does with her terrible kitty cat breath and also would not tap me in the face with her paw, which I'm sure was JUST in the litter box. Which she did. It was not Miss Kitty that woke me up. It was Mr Kitty! Who is now renamed for the purpose of this site as BAD KITTY! BAD BAD KITTY!!!
Screaming "BAD KITTY" is not the first thing that should come out of ones mouth in the morning....especially when you have not gotten nearly enough sleep.
"Bad Kitty" jumped up onto the bed....where I was blissfully FINALLY asleep and started rubbing on me (just his head at this point) where I sleepily, half-awakely, scratched his chin and behind his ears and then promptly fell back to sleep. Only to be woken up again by something rubbing on my hand and then a WET sensation and Y'ALL THIS CAT WIPED HIS BUTT ON ME!!!!! OH GROSS!!!!
In my sleep-induced haze and then my cat-ass induced hysteria, it was reflex to wipe my hand on my shirt. So then, still in a sleepy fog and tripping over EVERYthing in my path and some things that weren't even IN my path, I made my way to the bathroom and showered with waaay too hot water for waaaaay too long, but I just couldn't get it out of my head that OH MY GOD IT'S ON ME!!! IT'S ON ME!!! GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OFF!!! ON MY GOD GET IT OFF!!!
I finally get out of the shower and get dressed for what I'm pretty sure is just going to be a fabulous (ha ha) day, and then I realize, he WIPED HIS BUTT ON MY PILLOW TOO!!!!
This has NOT been my week.
And on top of all of that....my sweet, caring, loving husband told me to....eww....use a needle to pop my blisters! AHH!!! But that's not all he said! He said to get a needle, a pair of pliers, and a lighter! At this point, I'm staring at him with saucer-sized eyes going "PLIERS?! What the hell do I need pliers for?! What do you think is wrong with me that I would benefit from PLIERS?" and he said...and I quote "you take the needle and hold it with the pliers and heat up the end until it's red hot...." and I don't know what he said after that because I ran screaming from the room.
Also, I got chased by a wasp outside when trying to take the trash down to the curb. And now my neighbors think I'm crazy. And thanks to the neighbor's dog to alerting them all to my plight. Because that's exactly what I needed while running around my yard whacking myself in the head screaming while wearing my flip flops, since that's all I can wear with the blisters the size of BOWLING BALLS on my poor teeny tiny pinky toes.
Oh boy, I just can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.